I can not

I can not hide inside a book
Can not forget myself in the T.V
Can not run inside the movie
Can not sleep it off
Can not forget it
Can not talk it
Can not breath it
Can not scoop it
Through it
Cough it
Sing it
Write it
Cry it

I can not forget it
I can not tell it
I have no more strength left in me
No more laughter
No more tears
I can not write it
Can not put it into words
Can not explain the feelings
That have been bottled up so long
It’s a short circuit
A darkness that falls suddenly
A silence that screams
A pain that persists
A fear that gnaws at you
A silent cry in the distant night

I can’t, just can’t
Put it into words
The way we were
The way we are
Who you are
Who I am
What we saw in each other
What we lost sight of
There are all half sentences
Unfinished
Untold
A story that will not see the light
That will be buried and resurface at every black out

Living day to day
Minute to minute
From one mindless moment
To the next
From one task
to the next
Making sure that
Taking care of
Doing what must be done
Keeping things alright
But never more than that
Just another day
Just another black out
Just another heavy heart

I can hear the sounds
I can see the colors
I can smell all the smells
But I am part of none,
Nothing can put together
My shattered soul
Pieces are missing,
Misplaced
It is a puzzle that is too great for me to untangle
Too hard to put together
Too frightening to contemplate

There is a block,
A darkness
A lack of sense
To all that has happened
There is a lack of purpose
To all that must be done
There seems to be no point
Just going through the motions
Always hoping it will get better
That the tightness will loosen
The tears stop flowing
That the pain will recede

Even hope is getting scarce
I can’t get up
I don’t want to get up
I don’t want to open my eyes
I don’t want to forget
I don’t want to remember
I can’t find any peace
I can’t find the war
There is just an emptiness
In which my happiness got sucked in
A black hole that left darkness in its wake
All I have left are my hands and my fingers
They can do the talking
They can tell of my pain
I can’t talk